The Seven Keys Of Being A Father
|
|
Is there a fathering instinct?
Celebrated child development expert Erik Erikson maintains that adults have a fierce desire to protect and nurture the next generation. This is the generative nature of parenting? to nurture and protect the next generation
We recognise this desire in women as the maternal instinct. Men's strong desire to look after the next generation is best recognised through their protective instincts. Man as hunter and gatherer has always had the survival of his family and community as a motivating force.
But the generative notion of fathering extends way beyond protection of children. Generative fathering means that men help the next generation not just to survive, but to thrive and grow. It is in the wellbeing of the next generation that traditionally men have left their mark.
This generative or instinctive notion of fathering has been lost in recent years as men have spent less time around their children. Fathers may be born to the task of raising children but they need to be around children so they can nudge fathering out them.
Too often fathers see themselves as playing a role, when the essence of fathering is actually embedded in their own psyche and linked to their child's development. According to Erikson there are seven tasks that a father carries out to ensure the well-being of the next generation. It is a brilliant framework that helps men move away from playing roles and gets them to focus on the needs of their children. The seven tasks of fathering, also known as fatherwork, are:
1. Ethical work: Men commit to acting in a child's best interests. Research shows that when men make a strong commitment to look after the well-being of their baby then they will sustain long-term involvement and support for their child. Ethical work is shown when men make decisions about work and careers with their children's best interests in mind.
2. Stewardship work: This aspect of fathering involves men providing for children and also helping them develop the resources and independence to look after themselves. In many ways this shows itself when dads take on a teaching role, which tend to do when they spend time with kids. Listen to a man when he interacts with his son and inevitably he will be showing him how to do something, even if it is how to kick a football.
3. Developmental work: This aspect of fathering refers to the notion of helping children deal with either sudden change, such as a death in the family, or normal developmental changes, such as moving into adolescence. Dads who do this work well support their children though difficulties and respond with understanding to changes in children's development.
4. Recreational work: This aspect refers to men's promotion of relaxation and learning for their children through play. This aspect of fathering tends to be a strong point for many dads, who are the kings of play. It is well-recognised that men play differently with children than mothers, which is fixed in the biological matrix. Men's domain is rough play, sometimes destructive play and often involves a challenge whether intellectual (e.g chess) or physical.
5. Spiritual work: This aspect of fathering involves men helping children develop values and a set of beliefs that will act as a compass as they move through adolescence and beyond. This involves counselling, teaching and advising. Many readers may remember their own fathers delivering stern lectures, which comes from this aspect of fathering. Good intentions, but poor delivery.
6. Relationship work: This aspect of fathering involves men helping children and young people form relationships and friendships. We do this by sharing our love and thoughts, by displaying empathy and understanding for a child and also by facilitating a child's relationships with others. In recent times men have stayed out of this area but it is a part of fatherwork.
7. Mentoring: We complete the cycle by ensuring that we support our own children in their own generative work. This involves giving help, support and ideas for our own children when they move into adulthood. In recent years men have fallen down badly in this area as too many men have shallow relationships with their own fathers.
This framework for fathering has depth and breadth. It works on an instinctive level, but many influences come to bear to prevent this instinct and intuition from informing our action. Often it is useful to ask yourself ? "What does this situation with my child require of me?" If a child is having friendship issues at school then relationship work is needed. If a child is feeling stressed and needs to relax then it is time for recreational work. If a child gets worked up through play then it is important to do some stewardship work and ensure a child calms down and regains control before bed. If a child is changing schools then it time for some developmental work, to help him or her cope with change.
If you are a father (mothers can do the same thing), reflect on some of the interactions that you have with children, and determine in which area of fatherwork do they fit. You will find that there is an area for each situation. As you respond to children's needs think about the type of fatherwork you are doing. You will soon discover that you are involved in a variety of very important work. And it will change the way you think about fathering and provide a strong guide to how you should respond to children's future needs.
Michael Grose
Michael Grose is a popular parenting educator and parent coach. He is the director of Parent Coaching Australia, the author of six books for parents and a popular presenter who speaks to audiences in Australian Singapore and the USA. For free courses and resources to help you raise happy kids and resilient teenagers visit http://www.parentingideas.com.au
|
|
|
Late Night Adventures With Your Children
Vacations are fun ! Weekends with the family are nice. But, Late Night Adventures are "simply marvelous". If you really want to shine in your child's eyes on a more regular basis-- try some late night adventures with them.By late night I am talking about adventures that start from 10pm on.Shouldn't kids be in bed at that time? -- yesShouldn't parents keep structure? -- yesDon't parents need to set an example? -- yesAren't kids only y...(related: Parenting)
Top 5 Characteristics Of Good Leadership To Instill In Our Home School Children
I am sure that this list can be jogged and added and taken away or all of the above, after being in the presence of several true leaders these are the ones that stuck out in my mind. Our home schooled children can be given a greater chance to make a diference in the world if the are leaders in mind, instead of following others blindly. I made it simple on purpose to give home school parents a chance to incorporat...(related: Parenting)
The 411 On Natural Colic Remedies
Any parent whose baby has suffered from colic can tell you that colic is one of the most excruciating experiences ever imaginable. Nothing is worse than seeing one's baby in pain and not being able to help take it away. Finding relief for colic quickly becomes a top priority. There are many different colic remedies that may come to the rescue for your particular baby. Each baby is unique and may only respond to some or a combination of colic remedies. Unfortunately, parents may have to use the old trial and error method to determine which provide the greatest amount of relief for their ...(related: Parenting)
7 Easy Ideas For Organizing Kids Artwork
In school, kids are encouraged to create, draw, color, paint and build. These activities can certainly stimulate children, and help them grow.Very often, these masterpieces that your children create are brought home and proudly displayed. But what do you do when all of the artwork begins to take over your home? Here are 7 great ideas:1. FIND THE DIAMONDS. Rather than keeping every single piece of artwork your child creates, sit down with your child on a regular basis and ask him to choose the one or two he likes best. By the end of the year, you should have no more than 5 pieces of artwork that your child believes to be his "bes...(related: Parenting)
Are Your Kids Driving You Crazy? How Character Building Charts Keep You Sane
Who lives in your house? Are they driving you "crazy?" Do you have a Winnie the Whiner, a Sammy the Slacker, or a Bubba the Bully? Perhaps you've yelled, you've lectured, and you've even spanked to get your Winnie to stop whining, your Sammy to do his chores, and your Bubba to stop hurting his little brother. How can you get your Peter the Cheater to play fair, your Larry the Liar to tell the truth or your Tilly the Tattle to...(related: Parenting)
Is Your Teen Swamped With Homework And Tests?
I hear from many parents that their child is stressed out with schoolwork, tests, finals, finding time to study, and extracurricular activities.I do not like seeing overstressed children and teenagers. Stress takes a dangerous toll on us-we must prevent it early on.Sit down with your child and do these three things:1. Pick out a paper or electronic planner for them to record their appointments, assignments, and to-dos. I like using a paper planner in conjunction WITH something electronic to record all phone numbers, addresses and set appointments.2. Talk about Priorities and map them out.What are your child's priorities? Typical student...(related: Parenting)
Why Scrapbooking Moms Are The Secret Weapon In The War On Terror
There is a front line and a back end to every successful war effort. Rosie the Riveter was an icon during World War II and she was symbolic of the strong American woman who took command of the US economy and war manufacturing; without her there would have been no Allied victory.We are once again embroiled in a bitter war and just like those times in the 1940s, the time of ending is uncertain. There is one thing that is different-women are involved in both the front lines and the back end and this can only be a good thing for America.Regardless of which side of the political fence you stand upon in regards to the current war-you cannot disregard the sacrifices made by soldiers and the loved ones who b...(related: Parenting)
10 Points On Children For The New Parent
I remember when my daughter was born, later my son. According to many well meaning individuals, I should've done this, should've done that and maybe improved in some areas.Most times I appreciated their pearls of wisdom because they made sense. At other times th...(related: Parenting)
On Raising A Child With Disabilities: Sara & The Nail Salon
Sara loves pampering. Haircuts, facials, manicures, and makeup bring smiles, giggles, raised eyebrows and kisses. Sara communicates "yes" by raising her eyebrows; blowing kisses signifies a very excited yes, please, and thank you very much.My oldest daughter Enicia arranged for the three of us to get manicures and spa pedicures Saturday afternoon before Mother's Day. While making...(related: Parenting)
How To Create An Attitude Of Cooperation
Having been a parent educator and a PBS consultant for Ready to Learn for many years, I have had the unique opportunity to work with Head Start families, Child Care Providers, and parents as well as schools, organizations, and teachers all over the world just like you.YES YOU A...(related: Parenting)
Grandparents! Help Your Grandkids Do Math!
This may come as a surprise.But despite all the advances in education, many kids stillstruggle in the math class.Math is an important subject, yet many kids just don't "getit".Teachers can only devote a limited amount of personalattention to each student.And parents are so busy with their own work nowadays, theydon't have time to help their children with school work.That's where YOU, the grandparent, come ...(related: Parenting)
site-map - Copyright © 2006 | Contact Webmaster | Baby Care Info | All Rights Reserved. | Parenting