Surviving As A Single Parent
|
|
Emotional Overload
Many single parents say they deal with a variety of emotional issues that you might describe as "extra baggage." Some examples include:
? Self-pity
? Depression
? Guilt
? Anger
? Envy
? Fear
? Severe money problems
? Loneliness and isolation
? Frustration
? Exhaustion
These issues present such a challenge because they undermine your daily functioning and emotional well-being. But they can be managed successfully so that you manage your family in a positive way.
10 Ways to Speed Your Recovery Process
Becoming divorced or widowed and then facing years of single parenting is a shock to anyone who experiences it. You will need to take steps to recover and heal. Here are some suggestions:
1. Some churches, synagogues, counseling centers, and therapists offer free and low-cost divorce recovery workshops and grief support groups. Look for them in the newspaper and Yellow Pages. If you don't see any listed, call a few places that may be able to refer you.
2. Look for local peer support groups and networks.
3. If you have access to the Internet, search for support services in your area.
4. Also on the Internet, look for chat rooms or bulletin boards where single parents post messages and share ideas.
5. Find library books for kids about divorce and single-parent families, and read them together. Take the time to talk about how they relate to your situation and encourage your kids to talk about their feelings.
6. Find a support group for children of divorce.
7. Tell your children's teachers and the school psychologist that you are a single-parent family. Let them know that you welcome feedback and suggestions on coping with your circumstances.
8. When you are ready, investigate groups like Parents Without Partners for single adults. You need to be with other adults who have similar interests.
9. Learn to help your kids talk about what is happening to them.
10. Learn conflict resolution and problem-solving skills.
Single-Parent Survival Strategies
In addition to recovering from the loss of a partner, you will need to take action to survive and thrive in the coming years. The following strategies provide a starting place.
1. Watch out for too many changes in your life as you recover from both the loss of your spouse and the resulting changes in your life circumstances. Change causes stress, and you have enough right now.
2. Realize and accept that you must get help with your single-parenting responsibilities. It is unrealistic to think that you can do it alone.
3. Manage your own emotions so you will be able to help your child manage his or her struggle. Learn as much as you can about how children respond to divorce, the death of a parent, or life in a single-parent home. Do not expect your child to respond the same way you do. Take your child's developmental stage into consideration when responding to his or her behavior.
4. Give your children permission to talk to you about their feelings.
5. Keep appropriate boundaries.
? Don't give in to the temptation to let your child take care of you.
? Let your children be children.
? Avoid burdening them with your feelings and the facts of the divorce or death of your spouse.
? Find another adult to be your sounding board.
6. Let people help you.
? If it is impossible to reciprocate, say so.
? People know that your life isn't like it used to be.
? Don't let your inability to reciprocate prevent you from accepting what people willingly offer.
7. Let go of your need for perfection. You will have much more stress if you don't lower your expectations.
8. Even though you are unable to be present as much as in the past, your children still need adult supervision. Look for ways for other adults to look in on your kids when they are home alone, even when they are teenagers.
9. Just because your child appears to be handling his or her emotions well, don't assume that he or she is okay. Some kids respond to parent loss by becoming overly responsible or by closing down their emotions. They may need to hear, "Tell me how you're feeling."
10. While it is important to listen and accept your children's feelings, it is equally important to set limits on behavior.
11. Cultivate your ability to be flexible and find creative ways to solve problems.
12. Learn to set priorities. Do the most important things first.
13. Trust your gut feelings. Pay attention to your instincts and act on them.
14. Simplify as many things as possible in your life. You cannot afford to keep it complicated.
15. Find an outlet for your anger. If a friend is not available, look for a minister, rabbi, or professional counselor. If money is an issue, look for a therapist who will see you for a low fee.
16. Teach yourself to let go of guilt. You don't have time for it, and it's not necessary.
17. Focus on issues you have control over. If something is beyond your control, don't waste your emotions on it.
18. Create a ritual to mark the change in your circumstances. This could be a funeral for your spouse or a ceremony to acknowledge your divorce.
19. Keep a private journal in which you express your feelings. Be sure to keep it in a private place where your children won't find it. A journal provides a place to express anger, sadness, loneliness, and fear-all of those feelings you feel every day as a single parent.
20. Remind yourself that recovering from divorce or the death of a spouse will take time. Your recovery will happen on its own schedule, and it will happen. You will get through this intact.
21. Learn to be assertive. You can't say yes to every request, whether it is from your family members or people in the community who want your time and resources. If you give it all away, you will have nothing left for yourself.
22. Find ways to take care of your body. Get regular checkups and make time to exercise. You need rest now more than ever. Watch your alcohol intake.
23. Find someone who will listen to you. Sometimes you have to ask, for example, "I need a sounding board right now. Can I have 15 minutes of your time?"
24. Rent a sad movie and let yourself cry (when the kids aren't around). Crying allows you to release the sadness that you are sure to feel.
25. Do at least one fun thing for yourself every week.
26. In your private journal, make a list of all the things you're afraid of.
27. In your private journal, make a list of all the things you worry about.
28. Get together with other single-parent families. Sharing times with people facing similar issues can make you feel normal.
Garrett Coan is a professional therapist,coach and psychotherapist. His two Northern New Jersey office locations are accessible to individuals who reside in Bergen County, Essex County, Passaic County, Rockland County, and Manhattan. He offers online and telephone coaching and counseling services for those who live at a distance. He can be accessed through http://www.creativecounselors.com or 201-303-4303.
|
|
|
7 Easy Ideas For Organizing Kids Artwork
In school, kids are encouraged to create, draw, color, paint and build. These activities can certainly stimulate children, and help them grow.Very often, these masterpieces that your children create are brought home and proudly displayed. But what do you do when all of the artwork begins to take over your home? Here are 7 great ideas:1. FIND THE DIAMONDS. Rather than keeping every single piece of artwork your child creates, sit down with your child on a regular basis and ask him to choose the one or two he likes best. By the end of the year, you should have no more than 5 pieces of artwork that your child believes to be his "bes...(related: Parenting)
Children - Blessing Or Curse
You're trying to catch up on some sleep on a quiet Saturday morning when you hear the shrill scream of a child, who seems upset with the fact that another child is pointing at him or her, and has done so for the past three minutes. You turn over and hope that they will resolve it without your intervention?but that's unlikely, given their past.The screams get louder, and now it's two children instead of one. A few seconds later, one stops screaming and the other starts crying. You hear the pattern of foot steps running across the hall, and cli...(related: Parenting)
Hair Care For Children
Salon visits can be scary experiences for small children: They are boring, full of strangers and strange smelling products, you are being ordered to sit still for ages, whilst some idiot is doing terrible things to your hair which you didn't want to happen in the first place. Life is sooo unfair!So how do you as a parent, avoid, annoying the stylist, upsetting your child and getting yourself stressed? Well this is where your best child psychology skills come into play! Sometimes your child will have unwarranted fears and you have to help to overcome them. Creating trust by taking their concerns seriously is the first and most important step. Promising a treat can also help. Best of all is to check in your local area to see if there is one of the growing number of new specialize...(related: Parenting)
Childrens Friendships Made Easy
Most research into children's friendships shows that those children who are able to form friendships when they start school are happier at school and also learn better.More significantly, a positive beginning to frie...(related: Parenting)
Time, Stress, And A Baby
The main thing we noticed since having a baby is that time is a more valuable good. We do not have enough time for many things or time is really tight to accomplish certain tasks before the next feeding time has come. Think about feedin...(related: Parenting)
If At First They Dont Succeed - What A Great Opportunity!
When kids try new things, sometimes it's a 'fit' and sometimes a struggle.So what's a parent to do when they find that a child is floundering in a new activity? What if your son is in over his head? Or your daughter is not doing as well as either of you had hoped? What if they even fail outright?Often, they're tempted to give up. Just to quit. And with the busy schedule facing most families, supporting that decision can be a real temptation.But what's the lesson from that? Quitting just makes it easier to quit again later, or, worse still, can stifle the urge to tackle future challenges.When faced with failure at a new activity, another option is to help your child to take...(related: Parenting)
Parenting Your Teenager: 3 Ways To Make The Time
Every now and then I'll get a story sent to me by e-mail that is a no-brainer idea for an article. One of those came across my desk just the ot...(related: Parenting)
Raising A Tobacco-free Kid
We begin forming healthy habits at a young age. With all that we know about smoking, it is astounding that young people will still take that first puff of a cigarette just to see what it is like. Many will not stop at that first experimental puff. Here are three things you can do to ensure that your child will not be tempted to smoke cigarettes:1) If you happen to be a smoker, you need to quit. This is first and foremost. Do it for yourself as well as your children. Children are so quick to model the behavior of their parents. If they see parents using good manners, children will use good manners. If they see parents consistently ea...(related: Parenting)
7 Ways To Survive The Start Of The School Year
It happens every year. Just when you are settled in to the lazy days of summer, you are startled to find Back to School catalogs in your mailbox and bikinis going on sale in favor of turtlenecks. Your local store has devoted an entire aisle to pencils, notebooks, and lunch bags. Soon there will be no more long days at the beach, late nights watching movies with popcorn, or mornings free of alarm clock jitters. It's enough to make you dread...(related: Parenting)
A New School Year
Depending on where you live school will be starting this month or next month. A new school year is usually exciting and scary at the same time. Most children won't admit it, but they are ready to get back to school and see their friends. As much as I love not having a rigid schedule in the summer, I do miss the structure of the school year. We get up later in the summer and go to bed later as well.When you think of a new School Year what are your first thoughts? Back to school shopping for clothes and school supplies. A big transition from elementary to middle school, or to high school, even college. A new teacher who you heard is strict or not strict enough? There can often be lots of an...(related: Parenting)
Teaching Respect And Values In Todays Society
The girl's jaw dropped in horror as the police officer spokethese words:"Don't go there. Have you any idea how many kids have beenstabbed in the past year? They'll kill you as soon as lookat you. They have no respect for life."The mother breathed a sigh of relief. She had come in toschool to seek my help, as I was her daughter's GuidanceCounsellor. We needed to convince the girl that the placesshe was frequenting were putting her very life in danger.Fort...(related: Parenting)
site-map - Copyright © 2006 | Contact Webmaster | Baby Care Info | All Rights Reserved. | Parenting