Stop Lying Now
|
|
Do you have a consistent problem with your child lying to you, even though he or she is normally a "good" child? Sometimes the lies are even about things that don't really matter or your child continues to lie in the face of overwhelming proof to the contrary?
It is my firm belief that we will not end lying behavior in our children until we take away the consequences for telling the truth. This is a concept explored in greater detail within Nancy Buck's book, Peaceful Parenting®.
How many times as a child were you told by your parents that you wouldn't get into "as much" trouble if only you would be honest and tell the truth? I think this must be a rule in Parenting 101 because almost every parent I know has uttered this inalienable truth at least once with their children. Do you remember what you heard when you were told that as a child? I do.
What I actually heard is: if you keep on lying, you are going to really get into trouble. You already lied so you are at pretty high risk of getting into serious trouble. But, if I stick to my story, then there is a possibility there will be no punishment. No one likes to be punished. So it is logical that most children will choose the path that is least likely to result in pain. This, to most children, means the lying route.
I am proposing that if you want to decrease your child's lying, then you need to say, "As long as you tell me the truth, you will not be punished." This is a huge shift for many of you and you are probably asking yourself, "But what if my child did something that requires punishment---something seriously against the rules?" I still say remove the consequences for lying and you will more likely get the truth.
Before you come to this decision, though, you must decide whether or not you really want the truth. A few years ago, I was speaking to the mother of one of my sons' friends. She was very upset that a boy had stayed at her home and slept on top of the same bed with his girlfriend. Now, this mother was aware that both the boy and girl were sleeping at her house but she did not want them to share a bed. The two disregarded her wishes but felt they were complying with the main issue by sleeping on top of the covers, fully clothed. When the mother discovered them early in the morning, still sleeping, she was livid. She called me to vent her frustration. In her ravings, she said, "Well, I know I did the same thing and worse but at least I had the decency to lie to my parents!" I asked her if she really preferred being lied to and she responded affirmatively.
Now, if you are a parent who would really rather not know, then this article is not for you. I am writing to those parents who want to know the real truth about what is going on with their children and who can handle the truth when presented with it, rather than feeling the urge to punish their child.
My sister-in-law came to me for advice in dealing with her 11 year-old daughter who has developed a lying habit, particularly around her school work. She tried everything. She had mentioned the universal law: "If you tell me the truth, you won't get into near as much trouble as if you lie to me". My niece stuck to her story like glue. Then my sister-in-law began to take away extracurricular activities to hopefully impress upon my niece the importance of her school work. All of this was common sense but what do you think happened to the lying? It continued without impact.
When she came to me, I advised her to take away the consequences for telling the truth. She couldn't believe what I was suggesting she do. Now, I was not saying that she and my niece wouldn't have a conversation about whatever the problem was. And I wasn't saying that they wouldn't make a plan for more effective behavior in the future but there would be no consequence for telling the truth. Even though it's in the beginning stages, my sister-in-law already reported improvement.
All she has to do now is remind my niece that there will no punishment if she tells the truth, and my niece has been coming clean. The advantage to this is that you, the parent, aren't spending a lot of time attempting to "get to the bottom of things"! You don't have to play detective and go on a fact-finding mission. You get the truth up front and then you know what it is that you really need to manage.
The advantage is that you can take a collaborative approach with your child on how to do it better the next time. You can spend your time discussing what got in the way of your child being successful and how can you, together, remove those obstacles. This is so much more relationship strengthening than trying to figure out who's telling the truth and who isn't and then doling out the appropriate punishment for the lie. Wouldn't you rather put an end to lying and get at the real source of the problem?
Try it and see if it helps. But don't do it if you would prefer not knowing!
For more information on improving the relationship between you and your child, visit www.TheRelationshipCenter.biz and check our calendar for upcoming teleclasses, chats and workshops.
Kim Olver is a licensed professional counselor, relationship/life coach and single parent. She found herself widowed when her sons were 13 and 15. It was the application of Dr. Buck's Peaceful Parenting® that helped her successfully raise her children into the outstanding young men that they are today. If you would like more information about parenting, visit Kim's website at http://www.TheRelationshipCenter.biz
|
|
|
Treatment Options For Adhd
Ritalin has been shown through the years to be very effective in the treatment of Attention Deficit Disorder symptoms. Although it has potential side-effects which many families would like to avoid, we have seen it help a lot of people. More recently, other interventions such as EEG biofeedback training have shown themselves to be very useful in treatment as well. A great deal of energy and money has also been invested into the development of non-prescription treatments for ADD ADHD.
Consumers must be aware that there are several alleged remedies for Attention Deficit ...(related: Parenting)
Potty Training Caveats- Dont Start Too Soon
The First Reason: For one thing, child development experts are concerned that previous generations of parents were putting too much pressure on their children to potty train early. Children were often being punished for not learning to use the toilet.Another Reason: Behind the delayed...(related: Parenting)
Things To Teach Your Teenage Driver
Is it hard to communicate with your teenager about issues in his or her life? Regardless of the communicati...(related: Parenting)
Graduated Driver Licensing (gdl) For Teen Drivers
Drivers 16 years of age have little driving experience, putting them at high risk for traffic accidents. A series of five re...(related: Parenting)
Hearing Our Seriously Distressed Adolescents
The distressed adolescent often has feelings of abandonment, emotional detachment, withdrawal, and isolation. These children begin to develop an intense anger directed towards an adult society that they feel has hurt them and does not understand them. Parents need to to learn how to build relationships with these children and this can be accomplished through a pro...(related: Parenting)
Child Separation Anxiety: Does Your Child Have It?
If you are a parent, then more than likely you may face the common problem of separation anxiety in your child. What exactly is child separation anxiety? In a nutshell, this is the type of anxiety or stress your child may encounter when you leave him/her alone and they get upset or cry due to the separation involved. The reason they get upset or cry is because the child learns to remember objects or specific people, and when those objects or people become absent, anxiety sets in.
Childrens Friendships Made Easy
Most research into children's friendships shows that those children who are able to form friendships when they start school are happier at school and also learn better.More significantly, a positive beginning to frie...(related: Parenting)
What Values Are We Giving Our Children?
On a bright Sunday morning, a couple of weeks ago, I went to South London to receive a message sent from Nigeria. As I entered the lift, I saw a couple, apparently in their early 20s, smoking marijuana while their young son sat comfortably in his push-chair. As I was going down through the staircase, I saw another three children in their teens smoking marijuana and drinking beer.The above situation depicts the state of our children abroad. What values are we giving our children in foreign lands? Is it the environment or our work that forbids us from giving our children good values, home training, love and care? Or did we dump the values we were brought up with at the airport as we boarded the aircraft to England?Agreed, many parents work har...(related: Parenting)
The Secret, Unconscious Game Children And Parents Play Where No One Wins!
Did you know there's a game children and parents play all the time and yet, neither of them knows about it? This article discusses this unconscious, no-win game children play with their unknowing parents; how points get scored; why the game isn't a good thing to play, and how parents can stop the game.I wish I could tell you the name of the game. It's a secret and has no name. Parents and children don't even know they're playing the game. The purpose of the game is simple; children play it to get their way. The game itself is based on a point system. Whoever has the most points has the most power and control in the parent-child relationship. The minute a child asks the parent for something and is met with the answer, "no," the game begins!Children score points when they argue with their parents so much, thei...(related: Parenting)
Communication Mistakes Parents Often Make - And Easy Ways To Correct Them
As parents, we love our children and want to do the best for them. At times, however, the pressures of living every day create stress and distractions for all of us. We can easily fall in...(related: Parenting)
The Giving Jar
Giving with a happy heart. If you teach a child to give with a happy heart you will raise a child who will never hesitate to lend a helping hand. Children enjoy helping others, especially if they see their parents doing the same. When a child's basic ...(related: Parenting)
A Man And His Baby
When a couple steps forth with a baby in tow everything in life is stable and normal. People hold open doors, hard...(related: Parenting)
site-map - Copyright © 2006 | Contact Webmaster | Baby Care Info | All Rights Reserved. | Parenting