Pet Loss Can Be Just As Devastating!
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'And all because of a damned cat! It's only a cat, for God'ssake!'
I'll never forget the wracking sobs of the girl sittingbefore me, and the disbelief on the face of the mother whouttered these words.
I was a Guidance Counsellor in a city high school, and thegirl's performance had slumped in recent weeks. Her mothercouldn't believe it might possibly be related to the loss ofthe girl's pet cat.
It became obvious that there wasn't much of a bond betweenmother and daughter. So over the years the girl's need toreceive and GIVE affection had been transferred to her cat.Now that the cat had passed on, the girl was devastated.
What made matters worse was her mother's total lack ofinsight.
Studies carried out by veterinary associations in the UKsuggest that most kids will have a pet of some kind at sometime: cats, dogs, mice, hamsters - whatever! - and it's probably the same in other countries.
Since kids' pets are so common, it's well for parents tobe awareof the impact they can have on their children's lives.
Psychologists talk of the 'human - companion animal bond', which can be as strong as any human-to-human bond. Oreven stronger, as in the case of the girl above.
So when the loss, illness or death of a pet occurs, theimpact can be just as devastating.
Many families (parents as well as kids) will be familiarwith the grief and devastation brought on by the death of afaithful dog.
But some parents think that the death of a mouse or fish isno big deal. It's a tiny animal, so no great loss!
They fail to realise that the attachment or BOND betweenchild and animal is not measured by the animal's size! It'sthe level of emotional investment that counts.
In fact we now know that the reaction to a pet's death cango through exactly the same process as that of the loss of aloved one.
- Denial (No, he'll be okay. He can't havedied!)
- Bargaining (If I get him back I'll look after himproperly this time!)
- Anger (It's the vet's fault. OR I should havedone this or that!)
- Grief (There's a void in my life now!)
- Moving On (He'll always be in my heart, but I'mcoping now)
Obviously, the first thing is to recognise the impact of theloss, and we can learn from the example of the mother above.
It also goes without saying that we must encourage our kidsto express their grief and explore their feelings.
And we must also recognise the value of a 'rite of passage'.This is a ceremony, simple or otherwise, whereby the participants realise they have moved from one situation or status to another.
Following the death of a pet, this can be a burial or amemorial ceremony. As parents we MUST attend - it's not somesimple game the kids are playing in the backyard!
It's a deeply emotional, psychological coming to terms witha potentially devastating loss.
Encourage the kids, then, to treat it seriously. Let thempick or buy flowers. Let them draw pictures, write poems and/or sing songs. Let them say prayers of gratitude for thecompanionship they enjoyed. Let them express their grief!
Then, at all costs, avoid the temptation to supply a'replacement' pet. Kids must have time to EXPERIENCE thevoid, so that they can come to terms with it and in due timemove on.
At that point 'another' pet (not a 'replacement') can beconsidered.
Experiencing both the joys and loss of a pet can be a soundemotional training for the unpredictability of life.
By treating this aspect of their childhood seriously andsensitively we can do our kids an immense favour.
Happy parenting!
Why do some parents and children succeed, while othersfail?Frank McGinty is an internationally published author andteacher. If you want to develop your parentingskills and encourage your kids to be all they can be, visit his web pages, http://www.frank-mcginty.com/peace-formula.htmland http://www.frank-mcginty.com/for-parents.html.
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