Mom Vs. Dad: Navigating Parenting Differences With All Good Intentions
|
|
Let's face it: raising children can be quite the adventure. Rewarding at one turn, challenging at the next ? it's the ultimate roller-coaster for the parenting thrill seeker. In the Game of Life, you rolled the dice and accepted the role of co-parent. While the rules seem deceptively simple, (raise child into healthy adult), the game is often complicated by differences in parenting styles between partners. It's these differences, if unresolved, that can abandon you in the land of defeat and leave you feeling overwhelmed and discouraged, with "game over" flashing on your internal video screen.
Bridging a significant difference in parenting styles is one of the most difficult aspects of building a family. Parenting is the substantial task of balancing your beliefs and values (about child development, love, tradition and discipline) with your childhood experiences, in order to nurture healthy and secure children. Add a co-parent to the equation ? with their own beliefs, values and experiences - and suddenly, the balancing act becomes more complex.
Let's pretend: It's the weekend. The sun is shining and there isn't a cloud in the sky. You and your parent partner decide to take your young son, Joey, for a relaxing Sunday picnic in the park. Your partner loads the picnic basket with bottles of water, healthy ham and cheese sandwiches on whole wheat bread (no crust for little Joey), and slices up a watermelon for a refreshing treat after a few games of touch football. You hop on your bikes and peddle to the park, laughing all the way as you and Joey play follow the leader and he tries to copy your "pop-a-wheelies" with varying degrees of success, your partner watching warily from behind.
Finally, the park in sight, you all race to be the first one there, Joey pedaling as fast as his little legs will let him. You and your partner are on his tail until the last moment when you both ease off to allow Joey the victory.
Elated and winded, Joey hops off his bike and requests a ride on the swings. You turn to your partner and say, "I'll take him. Relax. Enjoy your lunch." Joey takes your hand and you toddle off to the swings. He climbs aboard, ready for the dizzying heights and squeals as each push sends him higher and higher.
Seconds later, your anxious parent partner is at your side, saying "Don't push him so high! He looks motion sick. Joey hold tight!" The comments sting, prompting feelings of anger that your partner would think you are not being safe with your child, resentment and even inadequacy. To add insult to the injury, little Joey immediately picks up your partner's hesitation, looks confused and timid, and loudly announces "Daddy, stop!" You quickly catch him and ease his swing into a stop position and watch with mixed emotions as Joey leaps off and runs into your partner's arms, whimpering as he's led back to the picnic area.
You slink back to join them, angry, hurt and frustrated, and eat your lunch in silence. Lunch over; you all wearily climb onto your bikes for the seemingly endless ride home.
How did our happy day go wrong? What, if anything, should be done about it? Do you simply hope and pray for the arrival of Monday morning and the refuge of the work routine? No! It's essential to communicate with your partner.
Plan a Response
Often, our first reaction when faced with a difference in styles is, "That's not what I would do." Conflicts bubble to the surface when one or both partners operate with "my way is the right way" mentality. Discussing and resolving a conflict is the only way to minimize the negative impact differing parenting styles can have on the family. An unresolved conflict in parenting styles is one of leading causes of partner breakups.
Relying on some of the following may minimize your distress as you plan a response:
Communication: Take time to discuss each other's parenting styles and values. Work on listening to your partner as carefully as you would like them to listen to you.
Awareness (self and others, especially your child): Be aware if your own childhood is influencing how you are reacting to your child or your co-parent, and assess if your reaction is a fit for today's situation. Ask yourself: Why did you react that way? Why did they?
Ownership (your actions/non-actions): Don't play the blame game. Examine what role your actions or non-actions played in the conflict.
Control (who has it; who needs it): Understand each other's needs for this vital resource. Strive to be more flexible and to not have to always be in control. Never undermine your partner or your partner's parenting in front of your children.
Resolution (bring issues to closure): Unresolved issues are a sure course to dissolution. Don't put off dealing with the important conflicts.
Keep in mind: Despite your differences, you both want what's best for the children. This wasn't the first conflict and it probably won't be the last. The next time you and your spouse lock horns over a parenting matter, remember to relax, be compassionate, and know that your kids need you both.
Dr. Charles Sophy currently serves as Medical Director for the Los Angeles County Department of Children and Family Services (DCFS), which is responsible for the health, safety and welfare of nearly 40,000 foster children. He also has a private psychiatry practice in Beverly Hills, California. Dr. Sophy has lectured extensively and is an Associate Clinical Professor of Psychiatry at the University of California Los Angeles Neuro-Psychiatric Institute. His lectures and teachings are consistently ranked as among the best by those in attendance.
Dr. Charles Sophy, author of the "Keep 'Em Off My Couch" blog, provides real simple answers for solving life's biggest problems. He specializes in improving the mental health of children. To contact Dr. Sophy, visit his blog at http://drsophy.com.
|
|
|
Lets Not Hurry Children Through Childhood
Have you ever experienced one of those days when you wanted to return to the carefree days of childhood when your biggest worry was how you could con your parents into staying up a little longer at night. Have you ever thought that you would like to be a child once more when the biggest decision for the day was choosing which topping put on your ice cream?While this worry-free existence maybe idealised, there is little doubt that mos...(related: Parenting)
Im A Mom, Shes A Mom: Being An Adult With Your Parents
On one of her quarterly visits to see her grandson, my three-year-old son, my mother ignores the available front seat of the car, crowds into the back next to the car seat and promptly unwraps a lollipop. Feeling the tension rising, I recall the numerous conversatio...(related: Parenting)
Promoting Your Childs Heart Health
Cardiovascular endurance is one of the five health-related components of physical fitness. It refers to the ability of the heart and lungs to supply oxygen and nutrients to the muscles. In simple terms, someone with gr...(related: Parenting)
Is Your Child Ready For An Allowance?
Children think money grows on trees. Maybe not literally, but they sure think there is a never-ending supply of it. They see you at the grocery store pushing a cart overflowing with the week's groceries; you hand the cashier a piece of plastic and suddenly it's all yours. People come to the door asking for money to support a charity and it magically appears from the bottom of your purse as if you were pulling a rabbit from a hat. Instead of "mama" or "dada", "checkbook" might have been your child's first word. It makes no sense to them then, that every time they ask for something they'd like from the ...(related: Parenting)
Parents Rights Violated By Public School Compulsory Attendence Laws
Compulsory attendance laws are school authorities' first assault on parental rights. These laws force almost forty-five million children to sit in often boring classes six to eight hours a day for twelve years. Compulsory attendance laws force parents to hand over their children to state employees called teachers, principals, and administrators, whose competence they must take on faith.Compulsory attendance laws show contempt for parents' rights because they are based on the notion that the state owns our children for twelve years, and that parents should have little say in the matter.In effect, these laws allow state officials to legally kidnap millions of c...(related: Parenting)
Potty Training ?to Train Or Not To Train?
I have always found the notion of toilet training a toddler to be a bit much. I didn't feel right about pushing my girls to do something I felt would eventually come naturally. At three years old, both my girls were potty trained ... not because I read books and raced them to the porcelain each time I suspected they should go. They knew what the potty was for. They knew when they had to go. They'd figure it out on their own! Well, by golly, they did!Sure, we went a little stupid each time they were successful users of the throne and they got rewards and accolades just like the kids who were pu...(related: Parenting)
Internet Dangers - Protecting Children From Internet Jeopardy
Parents are in a unique position to "monitor" their children's internet activities and to observe their behavior with respect to any actions generated by the child's internet use. If children...(related: Parenting)
A Little Love, Please?
Article based on a friend's experienceI just wanted to share an experience I just had with my daughters, Yee Ting and Yee Sin.Yee Ting is three years old this month while Yee Sin is only one-month old. Yee Ting has always been a rather good girl, apart from...(related: Parenting)
Parenting Your Teenager: 7 Tips For Back To School Success
Blink. That's all we did, blink, and summer is ending and a new school year is beginning.Parents have mixed emotions. Relief that the kids are going back and dread that another school year, and the battles that come with it, is right around the corner.Here are tips for a successful school year for students and parents.Tips for StudentsGet a good start. If you start out behind, you dig a hole that you will spend the rest of the year digging out of, if at all.Get a good finish. Even more important than getting a good start is getting a good finish. Keep doing the positive things you began the year and semester doing. Follow through and finish well.Duck the personality conflicts. Sometime in your school life, you will run into a teacher with...(related: Parenting)
How To Make Kids More Likeable?
Nothing touches the heartstrings of a parent more than the plaintive cry "nobody likes me" or "I don't have any friends." We wish there were something we could do to insure our child will be, if not the most popular, at least included in the games on the playground. Actually, there is something we can do to increase their acceptance by the group and become more approachable to others.New research shows that all likeable children behave in certain ways. These skills are not in-born but can be taught by parents, teachers and other caring adults. There is a language of likeability that some children cannot pick up by osmosis, but must learn. Not only does fitting in and having friends feel good, it has numerous other ad...(related: Parenting)
Top Seven Tips For Back-to-school Success
Parents play a critical role in their child's success. These seven tips from http://www.goalsettingforstudents.com explain how to help your child set and achieve goals for the new school year.
1. Set 30, 60 and 90-day goals - with your child. What's most important for the first 30 days? Ask your child what they plan to accomplish and help them make a plan to get there. Creating a regular routine with time for homework, chores, outside activities and free time is critical. Help your child tweak their schedule for the best way to spend their time. At the end of the first 30...(related: Parenting)
site-map - Copyright © 2006 | Contact Webmaster | Baby Care Info | All Rights Reserved. | Parenting