Managing Your Stepfamily
|
|
If you are a member of a stepfamily, you know how difficult it can be to integrate all of the new members and adjust to the new boundaries and rules. The following ideas may help you make a successful transition during this challenging process.
Have patience. Establishing new families takes time. Just because you love your new partner, it is unrealistic to think that you will automatically love his or her children. It is equally unrealistic to expect that your new partner's children will instantly love you. It can be difficult to accept that even though you wish to have a relationship with your stepchildren, they may not be ready for a relationship with you.
Expect to adjust. With proper help and guidance, children can recover from family disruption. All children experience a difficult adjustment period following a divorce or remarriage.
It takes time, patience, and perhaps some professional assistance, but most children are able to regain their emotional bearings. It is critical that the adults manage their own emotional recovery in order to help the children adjust without trauma.
If you are part of a part-time stepfamily, you may need a longer adjustment period. All relationships take time to grow and develop. When stepchildren see you less often, you have less time to get to know each other. This is why it may take a part-time stepfamily longer to move through the adjustment process.
Don't expect your new family to be like your first family. If you expect that your stepfamily will be just like the family of your first marriage, you are setting yourself up for frustration. Your new family will have its own unique identity and will evolve in its own special way.
Expect confusion. Forming a stepfamily is a confusing time for everyone. Think about how confusing it is for a child to become part of two new families. All of the family members-parents and children-must learn to understand the new structure and learn to navigate the boundaries.
Allow time for grieving. Stepfamilies begin with an experience of loss, and everyone needs to grieve. The adults' losses are not the same as those of the children, and both must be respected. Adults grieve the following losses:
? The loss of a partner
? The loss of a marriage relationship
? Lost dreams of the way they thought it would be
? They must adjust to changes that result from the divorce or death (moving to a new house, starting a new job, adjusting to changes in lifestyle, etc.)
Children grieve, too. Their losses are usually different from those of their parents:
? They may now be living with one parent instead of two.
? They may have less time with one or both parents during times of dating and remarriage.
? There may be less stability in their homes.
? They must adjust to changes that result from the divorce or death. (They may have a new place to live and go to a new school; they may have lost friends in this process.)
? They have lost the fantasy of how they wanted their family to be.
Children have an especially difficult time resolving their grief when their parents are hostile with one another, when one or both of their parents remarry, and if they have trouble accepting their new stepparents.
Acknowledge the absent parent. When one of the original parents is absent, the children need a special kind of understanding. An absent parent (who has died or who lives elsewhere and doesn't visit) is part of a child's past. The child must be allowed to have memories of this parent. The children who have access to both of their parents are those who adjust the best to divorce. They should be allowed to regularly speak with, visit, and write to their noncustodial parent.
Help the kids fit in. Children of stepfamilies belong to two households. It is understandable that they have questions about where they fit in. They are usually able to adjust to having two sets of rules as long as they are not asked to choose which is better.
Be clear about the rules. Ideally, both sets of parents should discuss the family rules and what will happen if rules are broken. When the adults agree on the rules, they should explain them to the children. Most successful stepfamilies have learned that the rules should be decided together in the beginning, and that the biological parent should do the explaining and disciplining. The stepparent may have more involvement after the relationships with the stepchildren have been established. All of this works best when the parents can agree to be flexible and cooperative with one another. This may be difficult immediately following a divorce or remarriage, but it is important to work toward this objective.
Educate yourselves and seek emotional support. Read books about managing stepfamilies, attend classes, and participate in stepfamily support groups. Seek the help of an experienced mental health professional to help you through the rough spots. Marriage and Family Therapists have specific skills and training for working with families and stepfamilies.
Give the kids their own space. Make physical space available for the children who don't live with you. Children need a sense of belonging. Creating a room or section of a room for visiting children will help them feel like part of your family.
Expect them to think it's temporary. Accept the fact that your children may expect you and their other parent to reconcile. They may fantasize that your new relationship with your partner is only temporary. This is especially true in the beginning. Find a time to sit down with the children and explain that when two people are unable to live together anymore, it doesn't mean they love their children any less. This is especially important for the parent who has moved away, since the children will inevitably feel a sense of rejection.
Expect resentment. No matter how good a parent you are, you will never be the biological parent of your stepchildren. It is natural for a stepchild to feel some resentment for you, especially when you are setting limits for their behavior.
Show the children love. Sometimes children need love the most at a time when it is the most difficult to give it to them. While bad behavior should never be rewarded, always praise children when they are behaving well.
Garrett Coan is a professional therapist,coach and psychotherapist. His two Northern New Jersey office locations are accessible to individuals who reside in Bergen County, Essex County, Passaic County, Rockland County, and Manhattan. He offers online and telephone coaching and counseling services for those who live at a distance. He can be accessed through http://www.creativecounselors.com or 201-303-4303.
|
|
|
Friends Are A Gift You Give Yourself
My oldest boy is fifteen and was a real jerk about a month ago. He had gotten pretty full of himself and acted like he was too cool for the rest of the family. Pretty typical teenager behavior, but I didn't like it. I had gotten to the end of my patience with him and laid into him about how lousy it felt to be treated that way. We ended up in a huge fight. He argued that he wasn't acting any different than normal and that I was just choosing to see things negativel...(related: Parenting)
The Recipe For The Making Of A Self-assured Child: One Part Communication, Two Parts Love
Each child carries a unique picture of the self, shaped in part by the influence of parents. Your child is not born with a self-image or self-assurance. Both traits are learned through experiences beginning from birth.But who is the self-assured child? Simply put, it is the child who is confident of their self-worth, and their talents and abilities. A ...(related: Parenting)
Whos Teaching Your Child About Money?
Managing money is one of the most critical skills we must master to function effectively as adults. However, public school curri...(related: Parenting)
Parents Role In Helping With Car Wash Fundraisers
As a parent you will be asked to assist with your children's car wash fundraiser activities. It is important that you take an active role in these endeavors. Car washing builds hard work ethic and teaches children the value of money. Please read below and see the advice that top car washing fundraising expert Lance Winslow gives to non-profit groups regarding the parent's roles and responsibilities in car wash fundraising.PARENT'S HELPIf your group is a youth group you should enlist the help of the parents at a general meeting. Tell them of the importance of this fundraiser to your budget. Tell them you need the money and anything the group doesn't earn the parents will have to come up with. Make sure they supervise their child and allow them to sell tickets, drive them...(related: Parenting)
Does Sexual Abuse Usually Occur Just Once?
Your daughter tells you that Uncle Charley has touched her bottom and she doesn't like to sit on his lap anymore! Should you believe your child? Yes.Your initial reaction is to confront Uncle Charley, who tells you that your child is making it up and even if it did happen, he will never do it again.He promises he will never ever touch another child inappropria...(related: Parenting)
Sibling Rivalry: The Magic Trick That Stops It Instantly
It's a familiar scene: Kids screaming at each other,complaining that, "He got a bigger piece of pie," or "Shegot to stay up an hour later last night."When sibling rivalry rears its ugly head, what do you do?Try to reason with the kids? Scream, threaten or punishthem? Ignore it and run for cover?None of these methods is very effective for very long.But I've discovered a tactic that works every time. Itreally is guaranteed to end sibling battles, almostinstantaneously. The only downside is it requires a bit ofpatience on your part.The trick is understanding that it doesn't matter what thekids are arguing about, the real battle is for yourattention.Really. They could be screaming at the top of their lungsover who gets to play with a certain toy. They could bered-faced an...(related: Parenting)
How To Get A Good Diagnosis To See If Your Child Has Adhd
Your child's teacher says that you need to find out if your child has ADHD or not. What do you do? Here are some tips from the ADHD Information Library.
First, find a clinician, a Psychologist, or Marriage, Family, and Child Therapist, or Psychiatrist, who has a good working knowledge of Attention Deficit Disorder - ADD or ADHD. Most mental health professionals do NOT know much about the disorder, even if they tell you that they do. During my formal training in psychology at both the Master's level and the Doctorate level I received about 15 minutes of training on ADHD. Find an expert in your community.
Ask parents at your local CHADD meeting about who the best doctor and the best thera...(related: Parenting)
Eco-parenting
Arabella Greatorex, owner of The Natural Nursery, reports on the rapidly rising demand for natural, environmentally friendly and ethically sound parenting products and highlights some of the concerns that have fuelled these demands.Organic FoodThere has been much media debate around the promotion of heavily processed foods to children, part of a long standing concern about the quality of food on offer in the UK. While some say the jury is still out on issues such as pesticide residues in fruit and vegetables, it is worth noting that only 30 additives are allowed in organic food, compared to over 300 in non-organic. Specifically, organic food bans the use of tartrazine (linked to hyperactivity in children) and GM ingredients.The Soil Association reports ...(related: Parenting)
Anorexia Nervosa Alert - Is Your Daughter Dying To Be Thin?
Anorexia nervosa is a serious medical disorder that is statistically most prevalent in the adolescent teenage years of young women. It is estimated that 7% of the population suffers from eating disorders and if left untreated over 20% of them will die from it. Anorexia takes the lives of children everyday in this world and there are things you can do as a parent to identify anorexic behaviors and intervene to protect your children.Anorexia nervosa is a condition where one becomes obsessed with losing weight and practices self-starvation in an attempt to...(related: Parenting)
Featured Article On Parenting: The Power Of Belonging
Search for Assurance: The Power of BelongingThe job hunt is on, as is the quest to find another great preschool and neighborhood to be part of. After feeling out of place, hearing over and over that an item I'm searching for is not available, or a pretty basic procedure I thought I had a grasp of is "done differently here. You must be from overseas," I'm really glad to be back.It's as I suspected-we each have a checklist of things we rely on to assure us that all is okay. For my elderly aunt, reciting the family tree mentally anchors her in the family, and strengthens her sense of belonging to it. I never understood before, but she has actually memorized the biographical details of most of the family members. She orients herself by acknowledging aloud who's married to whom, who's building, and how many children they ha...(related: Parenting)
site-map - Copyright © 2006 | Contact Webmaster | Baby Care Info | All Rights Reserved. | Parenting