Confident Children - Avoid Overparenting
|
|
For many years underparenting was perhaps the biggest problem facing children.
Recently there has emerged another type of parenting that, whilst never as harmful as underparenting, can be detrimental to children's healthy development? that is, the trend by many of the current generation of parents to overparent their children.
Overparenting occurs when parents solve children's problems rather than give them the chance to overcome problems themselves. It occurs when parents allow children to avoid legitimately challenging situations so they won't be inconvenienced. It also occurs when too much control or too much order is imposed on children.
Overparenting is predominantly a mindset. It is a belief that children can't overcome difficulties themselves and they can't cope with discomfort or disappointment. It comes with increased affluence but it can occur in any socio-economic group. From my observation, it is more likely to occur in smaller rather than larger families or in families where a death has occurred or tragedy has been a visitor.
An overparented child is a protected, spoiled child. He or she often lacks real confidence and won't take many risks. An overprotected child avoids new situations and looks to hide behind his parents when difficulties or challenges arise.
An overparented child can be any age but often becomes more apparent in middle primary school when the challenges children meet start to multiply. The overparenting may have occurred in the early years but the results only become apparent during this stage.
Some children by their nature place more demands on their parents, which results in overparenting. They receive more attention, more material possessions and more spoiling than they need because they can so bloody-minded and so insistent that parents give in just for some peace and quiet.
Sometimes circumstances such as family breakdown or a change of circumstances can lead to overparenting or overprotection as a form of compensation for the inconvenience that has been caused. While a child's behaviour may lead to feelings of guilt overparenting in this manner doesn't do the child any favours in the long term.
How can a parent break from a pattern of overparenting? This is hard to do because overparenting can seem so normal. However if a child is so reliant on a parents that they think they can't cope without them then it is time to take some action.
Parental illness is one way to change overparenting, although it is not a recommended course of action. When a parent is incapacitated or sick for a lengthy period of time children generally have no choice but to fend for themselves in a whole range of ways. From my observation of families I am constantly amazed how children rise to a challenge when they have to.
Another way to kick the overparenting habit is to do so by stealth. Little by little parents need to pull back on the over-assistance that they provide children. They can start by insisting children walk to school (provided this is reasonable from the perspective of safety and their wellbeing), get themselves up each morning or other simple forms of self-help as required. When a new behaviour becomes the norm rather than the exception then it is best to look for another area to withdraw their assistance from.
Another way to defeat the overparenting habit it to give children ideas, tips and techniques to cope with their challenges rather than allow them to avoid or pull out of challenges. For instance, a child who wants to pull out of an after school class after three weeks because they haven't any friends may need some ideas about either how to make friends or make do without friends until the end of term.
It helps to develop a "Hang tough" attitude rather than a "Let's try something else when things get tough" attitude. Overparenting prevents children from developing a "Hang Tough" attitude.
From my experience those children who do best at school and beyond the school years are those who have parents whose first response is to teach and support rather than protect or compensate when social, physical or intellectual challenges occur. It also helps to have parents who show absolute, unwavering confidence in a child's ability to cope and fend for him or herself, yet be wise enough to know when children need their help and compassionate enough to lend a hand once in while.
It is hard to get the balance right between developing real independence and not placing too much responsibility on children. It is essential for all sorts of reasons that childhood be protected, even prolonged. But that doesn't mean that children be closeted, spoiled or get every material good they want. Effective parenting is a balancing act between the head and the heart, between providing opportunities for resourcefulness and showing compassion, and between being a supportive parent and a protective parent.
Michael Grose is The Parent Coach. For seventeen years he has been helping parents deal with the rigours of raising kids and survive!! For information about Michael's Parent Coaching programs or just some fine advice and ideas to help you raise confident kids and resilient teenagers visit http://www.parentingideas.com.au
|
|
|
How To Potty Train In Two Days
Ah, potty training! Go to a local bookseller and you will find dozens of books on the subject. Search the Net and there are thousands of websites with information on how to do it stress free. There are even people who are capitalizing on a parent's frustration with potty training by offering to do it for you, for a hefty sum! I honestly can't imagine anything more unseemly than paying someone to teach my child to "go".Ewwww!!!I have successfully potty trained two out of 3 kids so far, baby number 3 is only 14 months so she is off the hook for a few months at least ;)I seem to be the envy of the playgroups when other Moms see that my 3 year old son has been in whitey tighties for over a year. My oldest was also 2 when he potty learned.For me, potty traini...(related: Parenting)
Muscle Pain And Children Do Not Mix
I am in pain. I've been in pain all day. Last night, I was in "searing pain", which is pain multiplied by pain, divided by relief, then multiplied by pain to the tenth power. In case you are not a math whiz, that equals pain with 33 zeros after it. Two days ago, I was in pain (just regular pain, no zeros). In fact, I was in pain all week.Welcome to my humor column.Actually, pain is not really all that funny ... unless it happens to somebody else. Oh, come ...(related: Parenting)
Hearing Our Seriously Distressed Children
How do we deal with our seriously distressed children and adolescents?Adolescents are in a period of seeking autonomy and self-determination. These qualities can aid them in becoming agents of active transformation in their own lives. For one to recover from distress they are in need of being able to regain hope and to have an effective exercise of their free will. (Breggin, 1996). Adolescents based on their experiences formulate thoughts and feelings and begin to create values and meanings for themselves.Those adolescents who are suffering from serious emotional distress have become lost on this path t...(related: Parenting)
Ben Franklin And Thomas Jefferson Never Went To Public School
Most of our Founding Fathers, including Ben Franklin, Sam Adams, George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, and James Madison, like most average colonial Americans, spent few years, if any, in formal grammar schools of the day, yet they knew how to read and write well.Most voluntary local grammar schools expected parents to teach their children to read and write before they started school. Most colonial parents apparently had no trouble teaching their children these skills.At least ten of our presidents were home-schooled. James Madison's mother taught him to read and write. John Quincy Adams was educa...(related: Parenting)
When Parents Disagree
Moms and dads, are there times you think that parenting would be easier if you didn't have to make family decisions? Having a partner that is not in agreement with your parenting ideas or discipline approaches is more than just frustrating. It can be a cause of division in even the best of relationships. Furthermore, how you handle your disagreements will have a direct impact on your relationship with your partner and with your children.It would be great if every couple agreed on everything but that is an unl...(related: Parenting)
Trip, Trip, Trip... Here Is Your Night Visitor Again!
Night Visits From Your ChildIn the middle of the night you hear, trip, trip, trip and your bedroom door opens. It's not hard to imagine who it is and when you feel your little one climbing into your bed, you are sure.Rest assured, this behavior is both common and h...(related: Parenting)
Challenges For Our Children
Researchers have estimated that 25-35% of children in the United States have Learning Disabilities. At least 5% have Attention Deficit Disorders. All too many times during the course of their academic careers these children are labeled by teachers (or parents) as being "lazy," or "stupid." Remarks of this type are typically interpreted by the child as, "You're no good," and the self-esteem levels drop.
At least 50% of children will experience the divorce of their parents prior to turning 18 years old. Most children, for whatever...(related: Parenting)
Top 20 Items To Pack In A Diaper Bag
1. Diapers (5 -7 is a fairly safe supply)2. Wipes3. Cream (like Desitin, A&D ointment, Vaseline)4. Baby Powder5. At least one bottle of juice or milk6. A few jars of baby food7. At least one clean outfit8. A few bibs9. A few cloth diapers to clean up spit and other spills10. Items to entertain your baby (rattles, books, toys)11. Baby thermometer12. Teething rings13. Biter biscuits or similar type of crackers14. Medicine ...(related: Parenting)
Family Meetings 101
Family meetings provide opportunities for feelings to be aired and validated. They also allow younger children to feel they are an important part of the decision-making process when it comes to family vacations and other major and minor family functions.Before the first meeting commences, set a few ground rules such as:
- Speak in a calm tone.
- Avoid name-calling, finger-pointing, and sarcasm.
- Turn off ...(related: Parenting)
10 Things You Can Do To Help A Shy Child
There are a few points about shyness in children which will help you better understand the best approach in dealing with your child. You will need to identify the nature of your child's shyness. Children are shy in different ways for different reasons. Understanding the nature of your child's shyness will help you develop a program geared towards your child's specific needs. Here are some tips to help you get started.1. First of all, are you sure your child really is shy? Some children like to size up a situation before they jump in. Caution should not be misunderstood as shyness.2. You'll need to find out the type of situations that make your c...(related: Parenting)
Intermission: Wood Chips
I wanted to share with you one of the most valuable lessons my daughter taught me when she was sixteen-months-old. I call this essay, "Cherish Your Wood Chips."Today was one of those days where I just couldn't get enough done. No matter how many times my pen scratched off a to-do list item - a new one seemed to appear. But you, Samantha, didn't have anything on your agenda.At sixteen-months your days are usually q...(related: Parenting)
site-map - Copyright © 2006 | Contact Webmaster | Baby Care Info | All Rights Reserved. | Parenting