Challenges For Our Children
|
|
Researchers have estimated that 25-35% of children in the United States have Learning Disabilities. At least 5% have Attention Deficit Disorders. All too many times during the course of their academic careers these children are labeled by teachers (or parents) as being "lazy," or "stupid." Remarks of this type are typically interpreted by the child as, "You're no good," and the self-esteem levels drop.
At least 50% of children will experience the divorce of their parents prior to turning 18 years old. Most children, for whatever reasons too complicated to go into here, will tend to place at least a portion of the blame for the parent's divorce on themselves. Since the parents are typically placed on a pedestal in the eyes of the child, the blame for the divorce cannot be placed on the parents and must be placed elsewhere, most commonly on themselves. This also significantly impacts children's self-esteem levels.
There are other important challenges to maintaining reasonable self-esteem, such as merely being "average" in a world that worships only the good looking, the good athletes, and the well-to-do.
But can too much self-esteem be bad for you?
Let me say here and now that inappropriately high levels of self-esteem may be worse that low levels. Levels of self-esteem that are too high may lead kids to believe that they are more important than anyone else, and that they should never be frustrated by work or challenges in life. It leads young people to believe that they should always have their way. Inflated levels of self-esteem ultimately discourages children and teens from learning how to work hard, and may well lead into criminal behavior (criminals tend to have high levels of self-esteem, not low levels).
Inflated levels of self-esteem also are directly at odds with the development of one's spirituality and relationship with God. After all, who needs to develop a relationship with God when he believes that what he wants is more important than what God wants? The ultimate out come of the self-esteem movement is seen in the New Age doctrine that you are, in fact, God. Yes you. The guy who can't balance his check book or keep his car fixed. You are God? So they tell us.
People are cheated in every important aspect of their lives, emotionally, socially, and spiritually, when their sense of self-esteem is over-inflated.
So how can we instill appropriate levels of self-esteem in our children?
Briefly, here are five key thoughts . . .
First, change the way that you look at this area of life from "self-esteem" to "self-confidence." There is a difference as wide as the sea.
To "esteem" someone, including one's self, involves feelings of "reverence" or "awe" or "honor" or "glory." Words have meaning. Let's not get carried away with trying to make our kids feel good about themselves by starting to ascribe to them positions of honor normally reserved for God, and perhaps for Presidents and Kings. The majority of our society's problems are caused by people thinking that they are as important or as powerful as God, or at least that they are more important than anyone else in the world. This is not something that we really want to encourage in our children, or in ourselves.
Instead we do want to encourage self-confidence. This attribute becomes especially powerful and beautiful when paired with the virtue of self-control. Raise your children to have these two character traits, and you will have wonderful and successful children, ADD/LD or not.
Second, give lots of encouragement, praise, acceptance, and teach responsibility.
Encouragement comes when you focus on your child's assets and strengths in order to build his/her self-confidence. See the positive. Even failures can be outstanding learning experiences. Encouragement sounds like this, "I like the way that you did that," or "I know that you can do it," or, "It looks like you worked very hard at that."
Encouragement is NOT giving compliments for work poorly done, but under those circumstances it IS inspiring your child to work harder and do better. "Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up, according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen." -St. Paul (Eph. 4:29)
Ultimately self-confidence comes from having accomplished things worth being proud of. Reserve Praise for things well done. Where Encouragement is given for effort, Praise is given for accomplishment. Just say, "That's a good start, keep at it," when the work is not yet worthy of praise. Accept your child for who he/she is. If you expected that your baby would grow into an Olympic athlete with an IQ of 148, and instead he/she is "average" then you might be very disappointed as a parent (most children are "average," which is why they call it "average").
Disappointment is often turned into anger, or at least frustration. If your child cannot live up to your dreams for him or her (and why should they?) then please be careful of your emotions. If you are not careful, your own dreams and expectations for your child will become a wedge between you and your child. Please never make your love, encouragement, or acceptance, dependent on their performance or behavior.
Teach Responsibility to your children.
Let them try things and let them fail once in a while. Don't keep bailing them out. Victory only tastes sweet if we taste the bitterness of failure once in a while. Trust me, the dog's not going to starve if he misses a meal or two. The newspaper won't come to publish a story on your family if your child fails to make his bed once in a while.
Just use these occasions to remind your child that if his dog is going to ever eat again, he needs to get out there and feed it (assuming that's your child's job). Remind your child that he or she is an important member of your home and that he needs to be responsible with doing his chores.
Make the consequences for not being responsible fit the crime. And of course be sure to reward/praise your child when he does act responsibly. Behavior that is rewarded tends to be repeated, and behavior that is ignored tends to go away -- so always reward and praise responsible behaviors in your children.
Douglas Cowan, Psy.D., is a family therapist who has been working with ADHD children and their families since 1986. He is the clinical director of the ADHD Information Library's family of seven web sites, including http://www.newideas.net, helping over 350,000 parents and teachers learn more about ADHD each year. Dr. Cowan also serves on the Medical Advisory Board of VAXA International of Tampa, FL., is President of the Board of Directors for KAXL 88.3 FM in central California, and is President of NewIdeas.net Incorporated.
|
|
|
My Children
I have been a single mom for almost 20 years. My kids were 3, 7, 12 and 14 when my ex left.As a single mom, it's often hard because you are the only one to deal with the children. Although, this can often be a blessing as well. There is no one for them to play against you.Often you second guess yourself and wonder if what you are doing is right. There are times when you are and there are times when you aren't. Ove...(related: Parenting)
Childhood Obesity
Economist John Kenneth Galbraith has said that more people die in this country of too much food than of too little. It's an appalling notion - but an accurate one. As of 1999 more than 60 percent of American adults were overweight or obese - and obesity among children was increasing faster than among adults. In 2000, 22 percent of U.S. preschoolers were overweight and 10 percent clinically obese.Nevertheless, there a...(related: Parenting)
Develop Your Childs Genius: Training Your Child For Success
This time, I would like to talk about a subject that is appropriate for every age group out there. Even we, parents, can benefit from this, we can develop success skills together ...(related: Parenting)
Develop Your Childs Genius: Improving Concentration And Focus
Some people can concentrate on an assignment, to the exclusion of all distractions around them. My husband, who is an avid reader, can sit at a public place and read, no matter how much noise exis...(related: Parenting)
Childrens Friendships Made Easy
Most research into children's friendships shows that those children who are able to form friendships when they start school are happier at school and also learn better.More significantly, a positive beginning to frie...(related: Parenting)
Calming Tips For Hyperactive Children
Parents of hyperactive children know the "Would you please just settle down?!" phrase well, and likely use it on a regular basis.There are a number of tips to help parents settle their hyperactive child down. These quick tips and relaxation techniques take the same amount of time as yelling and scolding but produce incredibly different results in hyperactive children.Quick Calming Tips:Try quick tips to calm a hyperactive child down during temper outbursts or unusually rowdy days. These calming tips are not novel to adults by any stretch. How many times have you hear...(related: Parenting)
Positive Parenting Of Teenagers: Helping Your Teen Understand What I Cant Afford It Means
Because most teens have not had the experience of getting to the end of the money before the end of the month, the words, ``I can't afford it,'' have little or no meaning.Here's what can happen in lots of homes:``Mom, can I get a new (fill in the blank)?''``No, honey, I'm sorry, but we can't afford it.''``But mo-mom. Everybody else has one!''``No, we can't afford it.''``But mo-mom, (lots of words involving hassling and bugging).''``We can't afford it!''Repeat this process a few times and here's what you get:``Alright, you can have it, just this once. But don't ask for anything else!''Yeah, right.What the k...(related: Parenting)
Childhood Obesity & Parents Healthy Food Confusion
Many parents struggle to know which foods are healthy for their children. When they are able to opt for healthy choices, about two-thirds struggle to get their children to eat healthily, a poll of nearly 800 parents found. Developing Patient Partnersh...(related: Parenting)
5 Steps To Raising An Optimistic Child
I had just completed a session with 17-year old Julie who suffered from severe depression. Julie believed she was a total failure and would never be able to change anything in her life. Julie also felt all her shortcomings were her own fault.Where, I ask myself, did such a young person ac...(related: Parenting)
Teach Your Children How To Resolve Conflict Without Using Anger Or Power
Teaching kids to deal with conflict effectively and peacefully is perhaps the biggest challenge facing adults today. Children's disagreements both at home and at school can be noisy, physical and psychologically hurtful. The approach to conflict resolution learned and practised in childhood often stays for life.Conflict is part of daily living. Effective people resolve conflict in ways that protect relationships, honour feelings and lead to a resolution. They neither avoid conflict nor do they use power to dominate others or win conflict.It is useful for parents to...(related: Parenting)
The Mystery Of Picky Eaters
If you were to ask 100 parents why they think their children are picky eaters, chances are you would get 90 different answers. Although we know some children are picky eaters for no apparent reason, most are hard to please when it comes to food for two reasons ? they are naturally fussy about tastes and textures or they have a learned behavior about food.If you have a picky eater in your house, you are NOT alone! In fact, this is a very common complaint among parents. In addition to being frustrating, parents also worry that their child is not getting the appropriate nutrients needed for their growing bodies. With picky eaters, you typically see one of two things happening. First, you will find the child who simply has no interest in trying anything unfamiliar and second, you have the child who has no i...(related: Parenting)
Parenting Your Teenager: What To Do When Your Teen Feels Left Out
On a recent Saturday evening, I noticed a young teen-age girl crying alone. My first impulse was to go over and check on her. Worried that my approach might be taken the wrong way, I just smiled at her and went in the store to meet my wife. I forgot about it until we came out to the car.Same girl, still crying.My wife went to see what was going on. Turns out that the girl was upset because she'd been treated badly by some friends and felt left out. My wife told her she went through that, too, as a kid. Then the girl hit her with the big question:"Does it get any better?"Does it? Well, yes and no.The yes part...(related: Parenting)
Build Character Now! Practical Tools For Busy Parents
"To educate a person in mind and not in morals is to educate a menace to society." -Theodore Roosevelt, U.S. PresidentTeddy Roosevelt hit the mark with his words. To educate a child in reading, writing, and arithme...(related: Parenting)
site-map - Copyright © 2006 | Contact Webmaster | Baby Care Info | All Rights Reserved. | Parenting