6 Ways To Communicate Clearly With Your Teen
|
|
How would you like to have a closer relationship with your teen again?
Your ability to communicate effectively with your teen is one of the most precious skills you can develop to achieve this goal.
When we think of communication, we tend to think only of the way we can express ourselves. This is certainly important, but listening is the single most crucial of all communication skills.
As a mother of two teenage boys I know thatit isn't always easy to communicate well with your teen.
It's particularly frustrating when they aren't talking to you. However, when I started applying these techniques to our lives, I found that we started getting along better almost immediately. There was less arguing between us, and our relationship became stronger.
1. Make Your Teen Your Focus
Give your teen your full attention. I know that this is a toughie, because we tend to be so busy. It seems like we are always multi-tasking. However, it is important in clear communicating that you make a point of stopping what you are doing and really listen to your teen (rather than just hearing them).
When you give your teen your undivided attention they will know that you care, because you took the time to listen, and it will increase the chances that they will listen to you.
2. Get the Details
Hear what your teen is really saying! Teens tend to give terse answers to questions, leaving out details that may be important. It's up to you to be able to get them to open up and draw them into a conversation.
Here is an example:
Teen: "I hate my teacher!"
Parent: "Oh, you don't really mean that!"
Teen: "Yes, I do, I double hate him!"
Parent: "Well, I don't want to hear that kind of talk. I am sure you don't really hate him!"
Teen: "Yes, I do so, I hate all teachers!"
Parent: "Do you think hating your teachers is going to get you a good mark?"
And on and on the arguing goes....
Here's an alternative:
Teen: "I hate my teacher!"
Parent: "Wow, you don't normally hate anybody. What did he do to get you talking like that?"
Teen: "A couple of kids didn't have their homework finished again today, so he decided to punish all of us by giving us a math test tomorrow!"
Parent: "That doesn't sound very fair!"
Teen: "No, it isn't fair at all. I wanted to go over to Rachel's tonight to hang out and listen to music. Instead I have to study for that stupid test. I am so mad at my teacher! He ruins everything!"
Parent: just listening.......
This teen was able to express herself and felt validated by her parent.
You will notice that the parent didn't argue about the feelings the teen had. You don't have to agree with your teen's feelings; just acknowledge them. There is no such thing as a wrong feeling. We can't help what our teens may feel, however, we should set limits on behaviors that don't satisfy what we consider appropriate behavior.
Expressing one's feelings is a healthy thing; although negative expressions of one's feelings should be avoided; like screaming or name calling. A good way to avoid this is using 'time outs' - wait and continue the conversation when everybody has calmed down.
3. Open-Ended Questions
Questions can be crucial to communicating with your teen. Ask them questions that they can't just answer with a "yes" or a "no".
For example in the above scenario the parent could ask the teen, "What could you do to help your teacher change his mind about the test?"Teen: "I am not sure - this guy is so stubborn!" Parent: "If you talked to him and came up with better ways for him to deal with the kids that aren't doing their homework?"Teen: "Mmhhh, maybe I could give it a try....?"
4. Criticize Behaviors, Not Your Teen
Now, let's move from the listening to the talking part of communication. When you want to see a change in your teen's behavior, use the "when you...I feel...because...I need ..." sentence. Using this wording (known as " I " message) doesn't attack your teen's personality; it merely talks about their action and that you'd like it changed and why.
Here is a scenario you might relate to: The chores haven't been done and your teen went out instead. This example shows not the best way of communicating by attacking them as a person and making statements you may not stick to anyways.
Parent: "You didn't do your chores! You are such a lazy slob! You never do your chores and I always have to do them for you. Next time you don't do them I am going to ground you for a week!Teen: feeling pretty lousy...
Now here is an example with using the: when you...I feel...because...I need ? technique:
Parent: "When you didn't do your chores before going out, I felt really mad. We had an agreement about chores being done before going out and I need you to doyour part of the chores or I am stuck doing them for you." Teen: thinking ? "I guess that makes sense."
Remember when you start a sentence with"You are such and such?", you aren'tcommunicating. You are criticizing!
5. Let the Consequence Fit the Action
A fairly big problem that parents run into is looking for suitable punishment for broken rules. However, the penalty applied usually isn't related to the teen's action. As parents, we need to show our teens that each choice they make has consequences.
Parents tend to punish their teens by taking away something the adolescent enjoys; for example, no TV for a week. Take the above example of the unwashed laundry. It would be more beneficial to the development of your teen if you base the penalty on a natural connection between his action and the punishment. A good way of showing the consequences to his action in this instance would be having your teen do your chores as well as his next time, since you had to do his this time. When following this step you are practicing "silent communication" with your teen. Letting your teen experience the natural consequence of his actions speaks louder than any words ever would!It illustrates to them that they will be held accountable for what they do.
As they grow teens tend to get more privileges from parents. It is important for them to realize that with the extra freedom there is more responsibility that goes along with it.
6. Using Descriptive Praise
We all praise our teen sometimes. We tell them "You are a smart kid" or "You are a good piano player" etc. We mean well, but unfortunately this kind of praise doesn't get the desired effect of making your teen feel good about himself. Why is that? It is because what we are doing is evaluating their actions. With this type of praise, wearen't giving evidence to support our claims, and this makes the praise fall flat, and seem empty and unconvincing.
We need to describe in detail what they are doing and as your teen recognizes the truth in your words they can then evaluate his actions and credit themselves.
Here is an example (evaluating praise):
Teen: "Hey Ma, I got a 90 on my geometry test!"
Parent: "Fantastic! You are a genius!"
Teen: thinking - "I wish. I only got it 'cause Paul helped me study. He is the genius."
Descriptive praise:
Teen: "Hey Ma, I got a 90 on my geometry test!"
Parent: "You must be so pleased. You did a lot of studying for that test!"
Teen: thinking - "I can really do geometry when I work at it!"
Describing your teen's action rather thenevaluating them with an easy "good" or "great" or labeling like "slow learner" or "scatterbrain" isn't easy to do at first, because we are all unaccustomed to doing it. However, once you get into the habit of looking carefully at your teen's action and putting it into words what you see, you will do it more and more easily and with growing pleasure.
Adolescents need the kind of emotionalnourishment that will help them become independent, creative thinkers and doers, so they aren't looking to others for approval allthe time. With this sort of praise, teens will trust themselves and they won't need everybody else's opinion to tell them how they are doing.
Another challenging problem is when and how we criticize our teens. Instead of pointing out what's wrong with your teen's actions, try describing what is right and then what still needs doing.
Example: Teen hasn't done his laundry yet.
Parent: "How is the laundry coming?
Teen: "I am working on it."
Parent: "I see that you picked up your clothes in your room and in the family room and put it in the hamper. You are half way there."
This parent talks with encouragement, acknowledging what has been done so far rather then pointing out what hasn't been done yet.
"Parents need to fill a child's bucket of self-esteem so high that the rest of the world can't poke enough holes in it to drain it dry."
- Alvin Price
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
For more helpful information and examples on good communication with your child I highly recommend the book by Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish called: How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen So They Will Talk,Publisher: Harper, ISBN:0380811960.
Also, in the Fall 2005 a new teen version of the book is scheduled to be published - "How to Talk so Teens Will Listen" ?ISBN: 0060741252.Keep your eye out for it!
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Is your teen going through a difficult time?
Sign up yourself and tell your teen about the FREE Teenacity Guide 4 Teens: 6 Tips to increase your teen's confidence and help her achieve her goals not matter what her life is like now!
Visit http://www.teenacity.com/parents.htm
TEENACITY ? HELPING YOU HELP YOUR TEEN
|
|
|
Ritalin (methylphenidate) In The Treatment Of Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder
Ritalin is a good medication with a bad reputation. Its name causes more fear in the hearts of parents than any other medication. It is the topic of radio talk shows, protests by the Church of Scientology, and negative newspaper articles. And yet, I wonder, if it is so very bad, why is it so "over-prescribed" as the critics claim? Let's explore the issue further, and gi...(related: Parenting)
Help Your Kids Learn More About Managing Their Personal Economy
Remember when cash was a tangible commodity in all of our personal economies? As kids, we went to the bank, shopped with our parents and frequently watched them pay with cash. Now with cash on the endangered species list, today's kids see their personal economic situation much differently. As we enjoy the conveni...(related: Parenting)
Let?s Google And Yahoo Our Kids? Education
I love Google and Yahoo. With Google and Yahoo I can search the Internet on any subject that interests me, at any time day or night, in the comfort of my home. I was thinking how much fun it is to learn new things with Google or Yahoo, compared to the boredom or learning torture that public schools put millions of kids through every day.Let's consider the differences in how a typical child (we'll call her Jenny) learns when she uses Google or Yahoo, compared to how she learns in her public-school classroom.First, with Google or Yahoo, Jenny can explore any subject that fascinates her. She literally has the whole world at her fingertips. She can learn...(related: Parenting)
Your Company Vehicle Is A Portable Bill Board; A Word Of Advice On Children Passengers
Child Safety Restraints and children in work vehiclesIf you take your child in your work car, van, SUV ...(related: Parenting)
Watch Your Language! - How Parents Can Help Kids Help Themselves
'I felt great until I walked into the classroom - then itall went wrong!'No, this wasn't a teacher talking! It was a high schoolstudent on the day of an important exam.She needed a good grade in a particular subject to qualifyfor a place at college, so she had worked hard and psychedherself up for success....(related: Parenting)
Fuzzy Names, Sweet Names
As with everything, names go through cycles of change with passing generations. I also tend to think that names have improved immensely since the first Elmas, Minervas, Bufords, and Alfreds graced the baby's room wearing appropriate nametags on their cribs.A country of tradition, we still hold tightly to such commoners as Becky, Wendy, Mike and Bill. And being the trendsetters of a diverse time, we also like originality. Girls are acquiring sophistication with names such as Breanna and Kyla while boys are being called Dusty and Cameron, cute yet charming. I do like these names. I even think that the not-so-unique ones are fine. These names have humility an...(related: Parenting)
Study Skills - How Can You Help Your Kids?
Some years ago when touring the Scottish Highlands, a man Imet said something that's stuck with me ever since.He was elderly, yet was still working away on his smallfarm. He had no intention of retiring, and when asked if hefelt the pace of the years he said no, he really enjoyed hiswork but - and this is what stuck with me! - "It's a day'swork getting started."In other words every day he had to gather up his strengthand resolve, get out there and get going.And this doesn't apply only to farming, does it?The same principle applies to our kids when they have to getdown to serious home study or 'homework': "It's a day'swork getting started!"So how can we help our kids when their teachers aren't thereto 'motivate' them?There are lots of ways, but here we'll consider only a fewof the practica...(related: Parenting)
What Should I Know About Strattera For Adhd?
Strattera came out around January of 2003, and is becoming more and more popular as a treatment for ADHD. Strattera is a norepinephrine reuptake inhibitor that came on the market in 2003. It is becoming more and more popular as a treatment for ADHD and is available nationally. Strattera is a type of ADHD treatment that works differently ...(related: Parenting)
Raising Happy Diabetic Kids Part Iii Help Your Child Develop Self-control
This is the third and final article in a series I wrote about raising happy diabetic kids. While Juvenile Diabetes makes this job tougher the information in these articles applies to raising any child. Diabetic children aren't any different from other children. Their pancreas just doesn't work. However, the emotional toll that diabetes takes on a child, even when blood glucose levels are under fairly good control, must be taken into account whenever we consider what is best for them. We can be very helpful in raising children who are emotionally strong and better able to avoid and overcome these stresses brought on by diabetes by making sure they are raised with a strong foundation of t...(related: Parenting)
Normal And Logical Consequences
Successful parents have learned to be both firm and kind at the same time. They set boundaries and work with their children to help them understand that they will follow through with appropriate action if inappropriate behavior cont...(related: Parenting)
Reading, Writing, Rithmetic -- And Recess!
Recess has begun disappearing in states all around the country. The reason is the increasing emphasis on "academics" and the mistaken belief that recess detracts from time that could be better spent studying. According to some estimates, 40% of schools have already eliminated recess or are considering the idea. Some cities have abolishe...(related: Parenting)
site-map - Copyright © 2006 | Contact Webmaster | Baby Care Info | All Rights Reserved. | Parenting